On Loneliness Solitude and Isolation

When I first got clean and sober I was warned not to isolate by experienced and knowledgeable people with significant sobriety. The idea was that addicts/alcoholics need sober community and they can get lost in dangerous thinking if on their own too much. The acronym HALT applied. Don’t allow yourself to get consistently Hungry Angry Lonely Tired or you may relapse.

This made sense but I am an introvert by nature and childhood trauma has led me seeking dependable environments throughout my recovering life. This was a response to verbal, physical and sexual abuse I experienced growing up. I didn’t have a consistently safe environment and my father’s alcoholism made things chaotic. I’ve found the most dependable environment is when I am alone, or at least among the shortlist of people I fully trust. Under those conditions I know I’ll be safe.

I think of socializing in terms of battery charge versus battery discharge. Being a therapist means working with people for many hours of the week. I love doing so but it can discharge my battery, mentally exhausting me. When I’m exhausted, socializing can be detrimental. Alone time reading, listening to music and exercising helps to me recharge. Being an addict/alcoholic in recovery, it’s also true that being alone too much can be dangerous. How does one prevent solitude from turning into isolation and isolation into loneliness?

The most lonely time of my life was in my early twenties, even though I was seldom alone then. I had lots of friends, attended large parties and spent an inordinate time in the local bar that was often filled to brimming. But a bad breakup left me crushed. Prior to the breakup, my father’s alcoholism, rage and self-destructiveness detonated the family I grew up in. I was depressed and despairing. I felt all alone even in a big crowd. In this condition, relating to others felt burdensome and exhausting. My consistent despair left me unable to reciprocate. I wasn’t fun to be around and I knew it. I felt I was always letting others down. Being alone was relieving as nothing was required of me.

Now, with many years of sobriety behind me I’ve come to realize the difference between solitude and isolation. The importance of socializing has been well studied and is well understood. I try to give myself enough alone-time to help me reenergize enough to give my clients and family the most patient and encouraging version of myself possible. Solitude is restorative. But, if I’m not careful, and indulge myself for days on end, it can lead to isolation and this leads to loneliness. I try to socialize regularly. Seeing two childhood buddies for coffee, going to Bruins games with a long-term friend and seeing other couples with my wife.

For people newly sober, be sure to practice rigorous self-care. Eat well, get adequate sleep and exercise. If you need alone time, it’s okay but don’t over-indulge yourself. Make sure you have sober community and avail yourself of it regularly. Community is one of the main antidotes to addictions.