Fix Me!

Finding the Right Gear for Meaningful Change

As a therapist I sometimes run into a client type that places the onus for their emotional and mental health solely on me. “You, fix me,” they indicate. Passivity is a set up for failure, because words alone don’t lead to change. Consistent action is integral. Change is difficult. It may be painful and it’s almost always challenging. Change is elusive and requires consistent effort to overcome inevitable obstacles, deal with temporary failure and expected regression under stress. Therapy is effective when clients combine session insights with practical action in their outside lives.

Some people reject therapy because they fear it will expose some glaring, shameful fault within them, or upset the apple cart of benign belief they have about themselves or their family of origin. Of course, there is an aspect of facing one’s self in therapy and this is scary. It’s often true that we put an overly beneficial gloss on how we were parented and we may learn in therapy that our experiences growing up were

less than optimal.

Coaches, teachers and mentors of any kind can point to the areas where we need improvement but if we don’t do the active work, nothing changes and we get the same undesirable results. The most effective therapist can’t help a client unwilling to do the work outside their sessions. A passive approach gains nothing.

Years ago, I was broken by my addictions and trauma. I was in despair and woefully depressed, I found a therapist whose expertise was addictions and addicted family systems. She gently but firmly encouraged me to look at my self-destructive bent, my victim mentality and to come to terms with my father’s abuse. Change didn’t happen overnight, but eventually I was able to turn my life around. Not without a ton of hard work though. Yes, I had suffered various kinds of abuse but my perspective as a victim prevented me from finding solutions to my problems: addiction, low self-esteem, depression and poor mental and physical health.

My therapist facilitated the work and pointed the way forward. She was honest with me about my faults but at the same time was highly empathetic. She held me accountable, but, in her presence, I always felt cared for. I trusted her absolutely. She pointed the way forward and I did my best to commit not just to the therapy itself but also to the work I needed to do in my outside life. This included going to self-help groups, changing my friendships from co-dependency and substance-related to sober and supportive. I started to exercise daily, eat healthy food and get adequate sleep. There were times I felt defeated. I had to go through a nasty divorce, custody issues and the IRS came for back taxes. At times I felt defeated. Eventually, with repeated daily effort, things got better and I found success.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) makes much of the importance of being an “informed patient.” Consider this definition: “An informed patient is an empowered, active participant in their healthcare who understands their condition, treatment options, risks, benefits, and alternatives.”

Clients should have an idea of their goals heading into therapy. Good mental health involves living temperately or giving up addictions to nicotine, alcohol and/or drugs. Doing those things means applying yourself on a daily basis. To be emotionally healthy requires similar disciplines as well as an understanding of the obstacles you may be struggling with and the willingness to discuss them in therapy.

If you are considering therapy, try to develop some specific goals for your time there and consider the following checklist:

1. Research your problem(s) so that you are informed about what it will take to get better. What type of therapy and therapist can best ameliorate your problem?

2. Seek a therapist who has the credentials and expertise you need to apply to your particular goals and needed areas for growth.

3. Determine what progress will

look like in three to six months.

4. What specific skills do you want to learn, e.g. communication, problem solving, improved mental health etc.

5. In your initial consultation ask the therapist how they would approach your problem, what would a typical session be like and would homework be employed. How would they evaluate your progress.

You should feel accepted and safe in the therapist’s presence and they should be able to suggest a specific plan for treatment that will enable you to grow and change. Remember that you can’t be magically fixed, but with support and capable facilitation and your commitment to action, you can grow and change. Come hell or high water, fair weather or storms, take what you learn and commit. Eventually you’ll succeed!

For help in developing a successful mindset, the link below: